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Sex Lives: A “Late Bloomer” Who Thinks Threesomes Are Only Fun When They’re Casual

A few years after I graduated, I moved to Austin. In the first few years I lived here, I met someone and got engaged. We were about to get married and then she had I guess what I would describe as an existential crisis. We got engaged, bought a house, and she turned 30 all at once. She went from: I want to get married and have a house to like, I’m not sure I’m into men. I don’t know if I want kids anymore. In the last three or four months before we split, even though I had proposed, I was still struggling because I wasn’t feeling an intense sexual desire towards her. Sex had definitely slowed down, and it started to seem easier to just jerk off rather than initiate sex. I don’t usually jerk off if I’m dating someone, so if I’ve been with someone for a while and I’m feeling like I need to masturbate, it’s usually a sign that I’m starting to lose sexual interest in that person. Looking back, I think the night I proposed was probably the last moment, that everything felt really good and normal. After that, I took a year off. I didn’t date, I didn’t hook up with anyone. I went to therapy, I reconnected with friends, I adopted a dog that needed a bunch of surgeries, anything to keep my mind busy. So that year off is another reason why basically the last five years have been so different than the first thirty of my life, at least from a sexual standpoint. Totally, totally different.

When it comes to the best sex I’ve had, a recent ex of mine really sticks out because the sex was just so consistently good. This was after I ended my engagement and took a year off from sex. The first time, I think we could both tell we just worked well together. So relatively early on into hooking up, I was hanging out at her place with her and her friends and we were drinking a lot and her roommate was gone and eventually everyone else took off and we had sex probably five times that night. It started out on her balcony and then pretty much just anywhere and everywhere else in that house. It was super hot. And I remember we had just finished and the sun was coming up in the morning and I was like, “I’m done! I don’t stay up this late. I’m exhausted.” We finished up and she went to the bathroom and I was fully ready to go to sleep for at least a couple hours and she came out of the bathroom with a bottle of lube and was like, “You’re not done.” And I was like, are you kidding me? But honestly the last go ‘round was really good, which was shocking  becauseI don’t think my heart was really in that one.

I like it when someone initiates sex, especially if it’s at a time or a place where I wouldn’t expect it. I feel like during sex, I’m usually the more dominant person. I find that, in general, most of the women that I slept with, that’s their preference as well, so you know if that’s what they want, I’m happy to do that. But one time with an ex, we went to a date night that was kind of far out of town, and it was a forty minute drive home and we’d been flirting and sexting throughout the day and then we had this great date. And it turned into holding hands and making out at stoplights and then she started to unzip my pants and we’re still about ten minutes away from home and things are clearly escalating. By the time we got home, we just got out of the door and we stared having sex in the driveway against my car, like we were not gonna even make it inside. I think we were having sex for about five or six minutes before I was like, “Okay, I have neighbors.” 

I don’t know if there’s anything that I still really want to do. I mean, I think, like for a lot of guys it’s threesomes. But I’ve done that a couple times and that’s great, but to me that’s something very fun to do, especially when you’re young and maybe not super serious about the person you’re with. I feel like once there’s like real emotions involved, that starts to lose its fun side—maybe it still can be. As far as things that are on my list, there’s nothing that I’m like, “God, I gotta do that.”


A woman jots  into her notebook her sexual conquests, with a picture of a hot dog leaping into a bun.

Sex Lives: A Guy Who Had Only Had Sex With His Wife—Then Got Divorced at 30 

A 34-year-old straight man in San Francisco on a childhood porn scrapbook, reading erotica, and butt plugs. 

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