It’s January. In the world of baseball NOTHING is happening of consequence in the minors. On a mind-mannered Wednesday afternoon the Portland Pickles, which I assure you is a real team, decided to turn over their Twitter account to their mascot — and it didn’t take long before things went really, really, really bad.
Warning: I’m about to show you a photo of a pickle’s penis. I don’t even know if this is a NSFW warning, because I have no way of knowing what your office policy is as it pertains to mascot genitalia.
The Pickles turned their account over to “Dillon,” who is their mascot — and honestly, a really good name for a pickle, but what’s NOT good is seeing his weird pickle junk. It didn’t take long before people lost their marbles at seeing the pickle dick, so the team was forced to issue a statement.
We have ended our mascot takeover. It’s come to our attention that this photo can be misinterpreted as a disturbing image. Dillon would like to go on record and say that he was trying to give his fans a thumbs up. https://t.co/5VUgkhieq2
— Portland Pickles (@picklesbaseball) January 12, 2022
The original picture tagged Manscaped, the men’s grooming brand, leading us to believe this was all a sponsorship gone wrong — but it’s still left me with a lot of mechanical questions. I’m leading this in gently because it’s your chance to bail now and get away from this, because I need to put my feelings on the internet.
Okay warning over, let’s dive in.
If you’re pickle and you show your penis, then what is a pickle’s penis? I mean, at best it’s a pickle protuberance, which should probably be evaluated by a pickle medical professional to ensure this isn’t a cancerous tumor. If we assume this is indeed a pickle penis, what’s the purpose of it? Does a pickle urinate brine? I know that sounds gross, but it’s far better than imagining a pickle has kidneys capable of producing dilute urea for the elimination of waste.
There’s just no good way around any of this. You could say we’re in a real … pickle.